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Alternate Mech Commander Intro
A parody of the MechCommander intro
by Vladdus |
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Scene: 4 BattleMechs - a Raven, a Centurion, a Hunchback, and a Commando are tromping through an industrial district, making lots of noise as they step on (and pulverize) sidewalks and push over lights and other errata.
Fade to Dropship Command. A couple casually dressed techs lounge around monitors, snacking and joking. There are two standouts: Harrison, who wears a perfectly crisp uniform and Colonel Barret, who dozes in a corner
[Harrison]: Panther, is the sector clear?
Panther's image appears on the monitor.
[Panther]: I dunno, sir. It's pretty quiet - almost too quiet.
[Harrison]: I think we can call it clear.
Panther looks doubtful.
[Panther]: Sir, I think it might be a trap.
[Harrison]: Nonsense. We have a schedule to meet.
Harrison taps the sleeping Colonel Barret.
[Barret]: Hm?
[Harrison]: The assault, Colonel?
[Barret]: Hwah? Oh, carry on.
Colonel Barret starts to doze off again.
[Harrison]: Colonel!
[Barret]: Oh, all right. Listen up. The Jade Pigeons stole our planet, and we're here to get it back.
[Harrison]: Uh, Colonel...
[Barret]: What! Can't you see I'm trying to take a nap?
[Harrison]: First of all, this is a Smoke Jaguar world, and second of all, the stinking Dracs are going to get it when we're done.
[Barret]: What? The Smoke Jaguars can have it! I'm not taking back any world for a Drac!
[PSL]: Uh...Colonel. In the interest of Combine-Alliance relations-
[Barret]: Oh, all right. Continue the assault.
Barret dozes off and Harrison goes back to his console. Fade to BattleMechs.
Voices can be heard from the 'mechs.
[Raven]: Commander, I think we got something...
Harrison's voice sounds.
[Harrison]: Ah, leave it. The stinkin' Dracs can have whatever it is. How about we just call it clear and let the DC land?
[Raven]: Commander?
A Mad Cat, bristling with weaponry and a fearsome paint job, steps out from behind a building.
[Raven]: Mad Cat, Harrison! Mad Cat!
[Harrison]: Get him, Panther! Concentrate fire!
The four 'mechs open fire on the Mad Cat. It singles out the Hunchback for its fire.
[Hunchback]: Taking fire! Help me out!
Pan to inside the Hunchback's cockpit.
[Hunchback pilot]: I can't take much more of this! Ejecting!
Pan to outside. Fire blossoms around the Hunchback's head.
Pan to Drophsip Command.
[Harrison]: Techs, track that pod!
Pan to 'Mechs. The Mad Cat opens fire with its LRM launchers. The Hunchback falls over, its head shooting off and hitting a building.
[Harrison]: Ouch! Belay that order; it's no longer necessary.
With the Hunchback down, the other 'mechs split. The Centurion takes off in one direction; the Commando in another, leaving the Raven facing the Mad Cat alone.
[Raven]: Uh...
[Harrison]: Run, Panther, run!
The Raven turns tail and starts to run.
Pan to Dropship Command.
[Harrison]: No, not that way you idiot! Follow this course. Harrison traces a line on the screen. Nothing happens. He glares at his pen, thumps it on the desk, and traces the line again. A line appears.
Pan to 'mechs. The Raven is fleeing; the Mad Cat, chasing.
[Raven]: Sir, I want immediate evac!
The Mad Cat blasts the Raven in the back. It crashes into a building, stumbles out, and crashes into another.
[Raven]: I can't take much more of this!
The Raven runs into a corner. High warehouse walls tower over it.
[Raven]: Sir, I don't have jump jets!
[Harrison]: I know what you have. Now blow the grain silo with your flamer.
[Raven]: Sir, I don't have one.
[Harrison]: Of course you do. Don't backtalk me; every Firestarter has one.
[Raven]: Sir, with all due respect, I'm in a Raven. Now what do I do!
The Raven turns around to see the Mad Cat advancing menacingly.
[Harrison]: Uh...stand and fight. You WILL hold the line at Nav Alpha.
[Raven]: Sir, no sir!
The Raven turns, crashes through the wall and into the warehouse. The Smoke Jaguar Mad Cat steps slowly up to the gaping hole and pauses, as if hesitant.
[Mad Cat]: Cowardly freebirth.
Pan to Other Side of warehouse. The Raven, bits of wood and fiberglass draping its torso, dashes out, looks around, and scuttles behind a corner.
[Raven]: Sir, I think I lost him.
Pan to Inside Mad Cat. Shot through the Mechwarrior's HUD, the camera sweeps the warehouse hole. The Raven is nowhere to be seen. The Mechwarrior's hand comes up, and the display fades into infrared. Faint outlines of the various walls appear, with a distinct Raven-shaped blot of red behind one.
[Mad Cat]: Freebirth scum. You can run but you cannot hide.
Pan to Above Mad Cat Pilot's Head. The Mechwarrior grips his triggers, and crosshairs on the cockpit face center on the Raven.
Pan to Other Side.
[Raven]: Sir?
Laser bolts tear through the warehouse wall and into the Raven's side. The 'Mech staggers, then topples as a barrage of missiles blasts through the holes and into it. The Raven explodes in a furious conflagration.
Pan to Dropship Command. All the other operators and techs have gathered to watch, with the exception of Colonel Barret, who is sleeping off to the side, a line of droole coming from one corner of her mouth. As the Raven explodes on the screen, they jump to their feet and gasp.
[Harrison]: Panther! Panther!
Harrison punches the display.
[Tech]: He's gone!
[Harrison]: Panther!
Harrison goes into hysteria, moaning "Panther" and gripping the screen. He starts to bang his head into it.
[Tech]: He's gone, Harrison, he's gone! Ease up - you've blown a circuit somewhere. You're just hurting yourself.
Harrison looks at the Tech for a moment, then starts bawling. The Tech looks disgusted.
[Tech]: Commander!
Harrison looks embarrassed, and stops sobbing.
[Tech]: Commander, you have a responsibility to your men to hold up under crisis.
[Harrison]: Sir, yes sir!
[Tech]: Attend to your duties.
Harrison settles down, and grabs his pen.
[Harrison]: SWAT! Legionnaire! Status report.
Pan to Behind Buildings. The Commando and the Centurion are crouched behind Port Barter's massive Beer Storage Tank. It looks like a massive Budweiser keg mounted on legs; as a matter of a fact, it has "Budweiser" written on it.
[Centurion]: Huh?
The Centurion jerks to attention, its shoulder bashing a hole in the Beer Tower.
Beer spills out.
[Centurion]: Man, what a waste of beer...
[Harrison]: Legionnaire! Status!
[Centurion]: Sir yes sir! SWAT and I have, uh, taken entrenched positions in the heart of Barterville. No sign of the enemy.
[Harrison]: Well listen up. The Smoke Kittie from the Periphery who killed Panther and Whale is heading your way. Here's how we're going to get him...
Fade to original Industrial District scene. The Mad Cat tromps through, stepping on the burnt-out remains of the Hunchback without so much as a pause.
[Harrison]: Fire!
Missiles, autocannon blasts, and lasers whir past the Mad Cat from behind. Instead, they fly past to strike massive grain silos and gas tanks grouped in a long line.
KA-BOOM!
A massive fireball erupts, engulfing the Mad Cat and nearly knocking the Centurion and the Commando off of their feet from their positions behind a nearby shed. The mechs step out from cover and give each other thumbs-ups and slap their BattleMechs hands together as the blast dies down.
[Centurion]: We scragged the genescum!
[Harrison]: Good jo-
Laser beams shoot out from off-camera, punching straight through the Centurion's chest and out the other side. With an almost surprised look on the 'mechs head, it topples forward and hits the ground.
Camera swings to show the Mad Cat, scorched black but fully functional, moving onerously towards the Commando. Flanges of metal looking oddly like teeth are revealed on its bullet-shaped torso.
[Commando]: Truebirth!
The camera swings out to show a rotating overhead view. The Commando backs slowly away from the Mad Cat, which almost toyingly blasts its limbs off. Around the two is a circle of flames, punctuated by explosions here and there as the rest of the industrial district catches fire. The camera continues to swing out until it shows Port Barter from orbit. The flashes of fire and explosions can be seen from orbit.
Green Letters appear, reading: ComStar News.
Lettering appears on the screen, mirroring a narration.
[Narration]: On the twentieth of May, 3059, the First Lyran Guards abandoned the planet Port Barter to its Smoke Jaguar possessors. In an act of unprecedented barbarism, the Lyran forces razed the capital city of Barterville from orbit.
Three million, four hundred twenty-seven thousand died in what even Clan Khans are describing as "the worst massacre since Kentares."
END (almost)
And here's a tack-on...
Camera pans to show a white-robed Word of Blake Precentor. Sitting next to him is a massive, nearly naked man wearing black-spotted grey furs.
[Precentor]: Here from the Smoke Jaguar Occupation Zone is Star Commander Khan, an Elemental in the 1st Jaguar Cuirrasiers. Warrior Khan, how about you tell us a little about yourself.
Khan looks menacingly at the camera. His massive muscles ripple as he makes a truly scary smile.
[Khan]: I am Khan, of the Lincoln bloodheritage. I have slain twenty-seven other Elementals since my Trial of Position, as well as three mechwarriors and two aerospace pilots. For my actions on Tukkayid, I earned nomination for and passed my Trial of Position, to lead our forces until the day that my clan, the True Clan of Kerensky, takes its rightful place as the ilKhan by setting foot on Terra...
[Precentor]: Yes, yes; please hurry, as my acolytes cannot continue praying to keep our cameras functional without water breaks.
Khan looks rather miffed.
[Khan]: The actions of the Lyran Guards was an act of unparalleled cowardice and barbarism. Not even the weakest, oldest solahma would destroy a city out of spite. Orbital bombardment is the resort of cowardly freebirths who must win by deception-
[Precentor]: Yes, yes; but what of reports that the Sabre Cat destroyed Turtle Bay after weeks of riots...
[Khan]: The actions of rebellious freebirth worker-castes do not concern me.
[Precentor]: But surely you must have heard _something_. Isn't it true-
[Khan]: Do not use contractions!
The Precentor sinks into his chair fearfully.
[Precentor]: That's -
Khan looks menacingly at the Precentor.
[Precentor]: That is all for tonight. Precentor Malf Frebert, ComStar News.
END (really!)
As a sidenote, I always thought that a Mad Cat would tear the lance to shreds, so I wrote this. Yes, you might pick up some references to Aliens, as that is one of my favorite movies. Do NOT e-mail me saying I plagarized; it's similar, that's all.
--
Major Vladdus Mpale
Grey Mouse Legion |
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